I've been on my own, away from my Son, now for 5 months. Again, I never wanted to have to leave my Son but it was the only way; so I thought. I've never completely been on my own and yes, it makes me nervous but Im excited at the same time. I thought I'd needed this journey back home for a handful of reasons. One of them was to go back to my family and the people who knew me best so that they could help nurture me back into my original state of being. Of course, I dreaded still b/c I had to leave my baby. But I need to be happy for everyone else to be happy and I came to the conclusion that this move was the best option.
I hate my hometown. Like, literally. But it's home. I made a checklist of things to accomplish so that my trip back home wouldn't be in vain.
>Get a job and save to get back to my baby (which hasn't been accomplished yet.... recession in a small ass town>not a good look. Not to mention my insecurity with any skills I required thru high school and the fact that it's been over 4 years since I've worked)
>Find the pieces of myself I lost in my relationship with my Son's father and being a Mother, in hopes I can glue myself back together
>Tell my Dad all the things I've ever wanted to tell him since I was a little girl in hopes to finally establish some kind of relationship with him
>Spend quality time with all of my close cousins now that they're having children
>Bond with my elderly family members
>Get back into church (cause my Spirit is crippled)
All these things are very important to me becoming whole again. Im working on them but I admit, I can do better.
(Im really starting to hate this blogging thing already. I think It makes me sound so depressing but I must press on!)
There are some good things that I've "experienced" within all of this but I only care to speak on my post breakup occurrences!
I met this guy. (lol I sound like a guy...b/c their stories are ALWAYS about a girl!) I met this guy and his friend while I was out and about one Saturday night with mine. It was superbly innocent! The 4 of us exchanged #'s to meet up at the next club. My girlfriend and I didn't go. The 2 guys texted me regularly about randomness (which was cool). I liked the thought of making a couple new guy friends. I really started to like them. One reminded me of my brother. The other (I feel like He needs a fictitious name!) had begun to grow on me in another way. Long story short, (we'll call him King Andromeda b/c that's the galaxy Im from but that's another story!) King Andromeda (omg, that's so gay! lol but I'll stick with it) turns out to be one of the most amazing men I've ever met in my entire life! I met these 2 the first wknd of October 2009. I didn't get to see my King again until Halloween night (which, what do ya know, was the MOST PICTURE PERFECT "date" EVERRRR). Im not going to go into detail about Him and what makes Him special (yet) but just know He's awesome! And guess what?! He's coming to visit me THIS wknd!!! Super Excited!
Met this guy online in January. We'll call him Rocker b/c He rocks! Literally ;p Damn internet! But to hell with it, our cyber chemistry was on point. We'd chat literally for hours and hours and hours. I couldn't stop thinking about him throughout my days. He even let me fall asleep on the phone with him (How cute, I know, so corny!) I was in his area one wknd and decided why not meet him? ........................... Yea, he didn't quite match his pictures as I'd hope but nonetheless, He's a wonderful spirit and I absolutely adore Him. There will be no "us" though.
Then................... there's HIM. My most deepest crush from middle school whom I haven't seen in nearly 10 years......... and He found me. We'll call him Sidekick (tho that's his name for me). Sidekick and I have a bond that's unexplainable. Our chemistry is ridiculous yet we don't understand it. Even after all this time that's gone by w/o seeing or speaking to each other, it's still the same. It's been about 2 months now that we've been reunited but we only see each other maybe once a week. Let me say, Damn was I naive to think we wouldn't get "caught up" with each other. He claims he's not but damn if He doesn't have me open! The sex is great and I love how he looks me in my eyes when we're making magic. *sighhhhhhhhh* I be feeling like maybe Im just vulnerable b/c I keep seeming to get so worked up? Maybe I just have great luck finding great men? I am beautiful :) (No, Im not just saying that. I REALLY am *toot toot*) But anywhooo... Im sick of myself lol All the feelings I had for Sidekick from when we were younger are back double time and I feel like a fool! He tells me its OK but its not Ok with me. I can't control myself around him! Im so eager to be his girl but Im not ready for a relationship just yet. Plus, Im not prepared. It's overwhelming sometimes, the emotions I get over Him. I have to stop now before I mess up a great friendship. But how?
I asked my cousin, "Could I just be vulnerable b/c Im going thru this breakup and I miss my Son?" She tells me no but I still ponder the question. Then again, hey, at least I still got it! I try to look at it as practice! But I've come up with the notion that I can get over Sidekick in 45 days! I think I can. I pretty much stick to my decisions mental and physical and I think I can do it. If I can tell the "once love of my life" that I couldn't love him anymore and literally stopped loving him within a month's time, I should be able to loosen up on Sidekick! (I still feel bad about telling my "once love" that He needed to forget about me on his birthday..oh well) Figured a good day to start my Sidekick detox is Saturday..... since King Andromeda is coming. I'll let you know how that goes!
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Taking A Breath
I call this Phase 2 of my Life........... >breathe<
Unfortunately, I think Phase 5 is going to come before Phase 4,
but as long I as I make it to Phase 3, all should be well!
Unfortunately, I think Phase 5 is going to come before Phase 4,
but as long I as I make it to Phase 3, all should be well!
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
The Morning After I Started A Blog
Did I warn you that I have no clue about this?
Good Morning! It feels like a good morning anyway. I was lying in bed thinking, "What do I write now?" Hmmmm... gotta catch you up. *Brown&black hair combed back somewhat neatly, blue Tshirt, Hello Kitty pants, no socks, sitting on the edge of my bed with laptop* Its month 5. (Omg, its really been 5 months) The first 2 were Hell, the 2 first weeks, though, not so much. It snowed like crazy here the first 2 months. I was confined to these walls and forced to deal with my feelings of my break up and the absence of my Son. Horrible. Those 2 weeks or should I say first month, I distracted myself with outings, alcohol and retarded fun. But I enjoyed it. Then the snow hit. I was going crazy. Here I am in this town I hate, bored and no one really understood why I was here. The Ex was getting on my last nerve and I was letting him get to me. Found myself slandering him on public platforms just to be an asshole. (He's done it to me as well and doesn't think I know>hypocrite) But he deserved it (even though he didn't think so). He thinks he's perfect btw. I cried and cried and cried, confined to my room, barely eating much of anything, missing my Prince. *sighhhhhh* Wtf am I talking about? Why am I doing this again? Oh, yea. ................ Venting. Im really over all of this (I think) but I don't want someone to read my random thoughts and think Im crazy! But then again, you might anyway.
He has a new girlfriend now. They've been together 4 months. Ive been gone 5.......... yea, that's what I said. Stupid girls. That never really phased me. Only for a minute b/c he met her thru me. She should be thanking me though, I turned down his crying for me to come back to him. If it wasn't for that, she'd be assed out. He's HELLA needy though so it didn't surprise me. He's using her to get over me and she's using him (not for his looks). I wish them luck. I should've never been with him in the first place. He ABSOLUTELY didn't deserve me and DAMN sure didn't deserve the honor of being the father of my first born! Young and dumb.
So anyway (cuz Im starting to look at my reflection in the mirror like, "Who the hell are you talking to and why are you writing this shit that means nothing to you anymore?"). Can I wrap this up? Never thought Id have to deal with "Baby daddy drama" (lol) but thats what it is. He's sneaky and did I mention I hate him? I stopped ignoring thoughts of my Son now b/c it doesn't seem to work anymore. I was trained to miss the ones I love. I deal. Im becoming numb though. I don't let the bs his Father is known for feeding me, get to me anymore (usually). For the most part I ignore him. He's so full of shit. One day he's gonna need me and I can't say Im going to be there for him (Since he thinks he "doesn't owe me anything for my 4yrs of staying at home to raise our child while he went off to pursue his dreams) but oh well. That's fuck faced Men for you. Not all men, just the fuck faced ones! lol I've learned alot from being with him. Im learning alot as the time goes by due to phase 2 of our "relationship". The one thing that I don't like (aside from my feelings of loss of self worth), I have a hard time "feeling". I can get angry and upset or even furious and then Im over it within minutes. I guess I've cried so much that nothing bothers me anymore and Im somewhat disconnected with reality. It's not good for my music. I can't conjure feelings and lose myself in them like I used to. Im stiff. Not completely numb but we'll get to that later. *wink*
Im happier now. Still jobless. I haven't worked in 4 1/2 yrs. It makes me nervous now too. Ive gone from a size 11 to a size 2 in 5 months. My lifestyle is drastically different but Im Ok. I don't feel lonely anymore. Im still unfulfilled but that's gonna take some time. Im working my way from the ground up, alone, with a few friendly bees in my ear who help me build my confidence as best as they can. Im gonna be Ok. Im excited about my new found independence and scared shitless at the same time. >>>>>This is has taken me forever to finish.............. think I've said enough anyway.... Im out!
Good Morning! It feels like a good morning anyway. I was lying in bed thinking, "What do I write now?" Hmmmm... gotta catch you up. *Brown&black hair combed back somewhat neatly, blue Tshirt, Hello Kitty pants, no socks, sitting on the edge of my bed with laptop* Its month 5. (Omg, its really been 5 months) The first 2 were Hell, the 2 first weeks, though, not so much. It snowed like crazy here the first 2 months. I was confined to these walls and forced to deal with my feelings of my break up and the absence of my Son. Horrible. Those 2 weeks or should I say first month, I distracted myself with outings, alcohol and retarded fun. But I enjoyed it. Then the snow hit. I was going crazy. Here I am in this town I hate, bored and no one really understood why I was here. The Ex was getting on my last nerve and I was letting him get to me. Found myself slandering him on public platforms just to be an asshole. (He's done it to me as well and doesn't think I know>hypocrite) But he deserved it (even though he didn't think so). He thinks he's perfect btw. I cried and cried and cried, confined to my room, barely eating much of anything, missing my Prince. *sighhhhhh* Wtf am I talking about? Why am I doing this again? Oh, yea. ................ Venting. Im really over all of this (I think) but I don't want someone to read my random thoughts and think Im crazy! But then again, you might anyway.
He has a new girlfriend now. They've been together 4 months. Ive been gone 5.......... yea, that's what I said. Stupid girls. That never really phased me. Only for a minute b/c he met her thru me. She should be thanking me though, I turned down his crying for me to come back to him. If it wasn't for that, she'd be assed out. He's HELLA needy though so it didn't surprise me. He's using her to get over me and she's using him (not for his looks). I wish them luck. I should've never been with him in the first place. He ABSOLUTELY didn't deserve me and DAMN sure didn't deserve the honor of being the father of my first born! Young and dumb.
So anyway (cuz Im starting to look at my reflection in the mirror like, "Who the hell are you talking to and why are you writing this shit that means nothing to you anymore?"). Can I wrap this up? Never thought Id have to deal with "Baby daddy drama" (lol) but thats what it is. He's sneaky and did I mention I hate him? I stopped ignoring thoughts of my Son now b/c it doesn't seem to work anymore. I was trained to miss the ones I love. I deal. Im becoming numb though. I don't let the bs his Father is known for feeding me, get to me anymore (usually). For the most part I ignore him. He's so full of shit. One day he's gonna need me and I can't say Im going to be there for him (Since he thinks he "doesn't owe me anything for my 4yrs of staying at home to raise our child while he went off to pursue his dreams) but oh well. That's fuck faced Men for you. Not all men, just the fuck faced ones! lol I've learned alot from being with him. Im learning alot as the time goes by due to phase 2 of our "relationship". The one thing that I don't like (aside from my feelings of loss of self worth), I have a hard time "feeling". I can get angry and upset or even furious and then Im over it within minutes. I guess I've cried so much that nothing bothers me anymore and Im somewhat disconnected with reality. It's not good for my music. I can't conjure feelings and lose myself in them like I used to. Im stiff. Not completely numb but we'll get to that later. *wink*
Im happier now. Still jobless. I haven't worked in 4 1/2 yrs. It makes me nervous now too. Ive gone from a size 11 to a size 2 in 5 months. My lifestyle is drastically different but Im Ok. I don't feel lonely anymore. Im still unfulfilled but that's gonna take some time. Im working my way from the ground up, alone, with a few friendly bees in my ear who help me build my confidence as best as they can. Im gonna be Ok. Im excited about my new found independence and scared shitless at the same time. >>>>>This is has taken me forever to finish.............. think I've said enough anyway.... Im out!
THE PREFACE
*Sighhhhhhh*
I guess once I start this, I'll have to follow through, huh? Intimidating but nothing I can't handle. It's been said to me time and time again that I should start a blog. (Idk y) At first, it was suggested by my boyfriend (who is the father of my 3yr old Son aka my Ex as of Aug 09 but that's another entry) and at that time, I thought, Im a stay at home Mom with 1 or 2 friends that I barely see, live in a city that Im still not familiar with and no life. What do I "blog" about? Just didn't make sense then. Though Im still lost on the meaning of a blog >is it nothing more than a journal entry or is it supposed to have an actual purpose? Are we healing the world with our blogs or is it where needy people looking for attention who have nothing better to do, feed us all their bullshit with what they did for the day or their new addition to their family of pets or their new love interests?< (Why do I feel like Im pretending to be a journalist??) The purpose of this Preface was to inform you, the reader, (if I ever get any) MY purpose. Now that I live 600 miles away from my Son and his insanely vindictive Dad, I see a purpose for me to blog. So yes, this includes me in the rankings of the bs bloggers who spill all their business. One thing straight tho, (<*thinks 2 self, I don't have to use proper grammar here do I?*) I was NEVER one to tell all. Im a fairly secretive person but I thought this would help me learn how to express myself again. I was in a 4yr relationship where I was told to "pretend to be in love" so I've become a bit disconnected with not only my real feelings (and how to express them) but the real Me as well. Soooooo this blog is also about the transition of myself. My growth as a woman, from making the hardest decision to leave my Prince behind in a place where I was unhappy and unfulfilled, lost most of my self esteem, lost my direction and passion in my interests and goals and now not having anything to my name to, hopefully, the woman I know I should be. And of course, everything in between. Its kinda strange having this creative space. Its like having your own room and being able to do with it what you wish. Have to admit its a nice feeling. My buried box of creativity has been locked for quite some time now. Since this is the place where I'll do nothing but vent and, if I get any readers, unveil what I've learned about myself, Im going to do this in pure *name* fashion; RANDOMLY! Since my enlisting into Motherhood, I've come to know that being a Woman is indeed not as easy as it looks. We deal with a ton of shit emotionally and physically *Im having dejavu* that's hard to comprehend. I've heard many stories where I wouldn't even have a clue how to show empathy if I weren't a Mother (which is why most Men are clueless). So with that being said, I do hope (Idk how) that this may help someone like Me. I should have tons of stuff to say b/c Im not, by any means, the typical girl but we'll see. I have no clue what Im doing! Idc if you don't like it. Fuck you, its my blog spot, not yours.
Fyi>I've started this transition a few months ago so there's things I'll have to fill in but if you're smart, you'll be able to follow me.
Here goes nothing....
I guess once I start this, I'll have to follow through, huh? Intimidating but nothing I can't handle. It's been said to me time and time again that I should start a blog. (Idk y) At first, it was suggested by my boyfriend (who is the father of my 3yr old Son aka my Ex as of Aug 09 but that's another entry) and at that time, I thought, Im a stay at home Mom with 1 or 2 friends that I barely see, live in a city that Im still not familiar with and no life. What do I "blog" about? Just didn't make sense then. Though Im still lost on the meaning of a blog >is it nothing more than a journal entry or is it supposed to have an actual purpose? Are we healing the world with our blogs or is it where needy people looking for attention who have nothing better to do, feed us all their bullshit with what they did for the day or their new addition to their family of pets or their new love interests?< (Why do I feel like Im pretending to be a journalist??) The purpose of this Preface was to inform you, the reader, (if I ever get any) MY purpose. Now that I live 600 miles away from my Son and his insanely vindictive Dad, I see a purpose for me to blog. So yes, this includes me in the rankings of the bs bloggers who spill all their business. One thing straight tho, (<*thinks 2 self, I don't have to use proper grammar here do I?*) I was NEVER one to tell all. Im a fairly secretive person but I thought this would help me learn how to express myself again. I was in a 4yr relationship where I was told to "pretend to be in love" so I've become a bit disconnected with not only my real feelings (and how to express them) but the real Me as well. Soooooo this blog is also about the transition of myself. My growth as a woman, from making the hardest decision to leave my Prince behind in a place where I was unhappy and unfulfilled, lost most of my self esteem, lost my direction and passion in my interests and goals and now not having anything to my name to, hopefully, the woman I know I should be. And of course, everything in between. Its kinda strange having this creative space. Its like having your own room and being able to do with it what you wish. Have to admit its a nice feeling. My buried box of creativity has been locked for quite some time now. Since this is the place where I'll do nothing but vent and, if I get any readers, unveil what I've learned about myself, Im going to do this in pure *name* fashion; RANDOMLY! Since my enlisting into Motherhood, I've come to know that being a Woman is indeed not as easy as it looks. We deal with a ton of shit emotionally and physically *Im having dejavu* that's hard to comprehend. I've heard many stories where I wouldn't even have a clue how to show empathy if I weren't a Mother (which is why most Men are clueless). So with that being said, I do hope (Idk how) that this may help someone like Me. I should have tons of stuff to say b/c Im not, by any means, the typical girl but we'll see. I have no clue what Im doing! Idc if you don't like it. Fuck you, its my blog spot, not yours.
Fyi>I've started this transition a few months ago so there's things I'll have to fill in but if you're smart, you'll be able to follow me.
Here goes nothing....
An Email to a faraway close friend
Here's an email that I wrote to my homeboy a few days ago in a moment of rage...
Stressssssss .... man i learn so much about myself dealing with this fucker.... I sec I go from wanting to cry and my head exploding to rewording my thoughts and taking all my power back and leaving out the unnecessary. He is where I learned how to hold emotions>feeling so hurt and strong about something 1 sec then completely not caring the next < who does that??!! I do.... (This is me venting btw) Im disconnected with myself b/c so often I put how I really feel on reserve and life is so real, I rarely remember to go back to it. It's a problem, really. That's why I say you can't read into what I say b/c it's either how I want to feel but won't allow myself to OR it's really how I feel but it won't last b/c I don't wanna accept it.
Stressssssss .... man i learn so much about myself dealing with this fucker.... I sec I go from wanting to cry and my head exploding to rewording my thoughts and taking all my power back and leaving out the unnecessary. He is where I learned how to hold emotions>feeling so hurt and strong about something 1 sec then completely not caring the next < who does that??!! I do.... (This is me venting btw) Im disconnected with myself b/c so often I put how I really feel on reserve and life is so real, I rarely remember to go back to it. It's a problem, really. That's why I say you can't read into what I say b/c it's either how I want to feel but won't allow myself to OR it's really how I feel but it won't last b/c I don't wanna accept it.
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