I Need to Brainstorm My Thoughts For You

I've been on my own, away from my Son, now for 5 months. Again, I never wanted to have to leave my Son but it was the only way; so I thought. I've never completely been on my own and yes, it makes me nervous but Im excited at the same time. I thought I'd needed this journey back home for a handful of reasons. One of them was to go back to my family and the people who knew me best so that they could help nurture me back into my original state of being. Of course, I dreaded still b/c I had to leave my baby. But I need to be happy for everyone else to be happy and I came to the conclusion that this move was the best option.
I hate my hometown. Like, literally. But it's home. I made a checklist of things to accomplish so that my trip back home wouldn't be in vain.

>Get a job and save to get back to my baby (which hasn't been accomplished yet.... recession in a small ass town>not a good look. Not to mention my insecurity with any skills I required thru high school and the fact that it's been over 4 years since I've worked)
>Find the pieces of myself I lost in my relationship with my Son's father and being a Mother, in hopes I can glue myself back together
>Tell my Dad all the things I've ever wanted to tell him since I was a little girl in hopes to finally establish some kind of relationship with him
>Spend quality time with all of my close cousins now that they're having children
>Bond with my elderly family members
>Get back into church (cause my Spirit is crippled)

All these things are very important to me becoming whole again. Im working on them but I admit, I can do better.
(Im really starting to hate this blogging thing already. I think It makes me sound so depressing but I must press on!)
There are some good things that I've "experienced" within all of this but I only care to speak on my post breakup occurrences!

I met this guy. (lol I sound like a guy...b/c their stories are ALWAYS about a girl!) I met this guy and his friend while I was out and about one Saturday night with mine. It was superbly innocent! The 4 of us exchanged #'s to meet up at the next club. My girlfriend and I didn't go. The 2 guys texted me regularly about randomness (which was cool). I liked the thought of making a couple new guy friends. I really started to like them. One reminded me of my brother. The other (I feel like He needs a fictitious name!) had begun to grow on me in another way. Long story short, (we'll call him King Andromeda b/c that's the galaxy Im from but that's another story!) King Andromeda (omg, that's so gay! lol but I'll stick with it) turns out to be one of the most amazing men I've ever met in my entire life! I met these 2 the first wknd of October 2009. I didn't get to see my King again until Halloween night (which, what do ya know, was the MOST PICTURE PERFECT "date" EVERRRR). Im not going to go into detail about Him and what makes Him special (yet) but just know He's awesome! And guess what?! He's coming to visit me THIS wknd!!! Super Excited!
Met this guy online in January. We'll call him Rocker b/c He rocks! Literally ;p Damn internet! But to hell with it, our cyber chemistry was on point. We'd chat literally for hours and hours and hours. I couldn't stop thinking about him throughout my days. He even let me fall asleep on the phone with him (How cute, I know, so corny!) I was in his area one wknd and decided why not meet him? ........................... Yea, he didn't quite match his pictures as I'd hope but nonetheless, He's a wonderful spirit and I absolutely adore Him. There will be no "us" though.
Then................... there's HIM. My most deepest crush from middle school whom I haven't seen in nearly 10 years......... and He found me. We'll call him Sidekick (tho that's his name for me). Sidekick and I have a bond that's unexplainable. Our chemistry is ridiculous yet we don't understand it. Even after all this time that's gone by w/o seeing or speaking to each other, it's still the same. It's been about 2 months now that we've been reunited but we only see each other maybe once a week. Let me say, Damn was I naive to think we wouldn't get "caught up" with each other. He claims he's not but damn if He doesn't have me open! The sex is great and I love how he looks me in my eyes when we're making magic. *sighhhhhhhhh* I be feeling like maybe Im just vulnerable b/c I keep seeming to get so worked up? Maybe I just have great luck finding great men? I am beautiful :) (No, Im not just saying that. I REALLY am *toot toot*) But anywhooo... Im sick of myself lol All the feelings I had for Sidekick from when we were younger are back double time and I feel like a fool! He tells me its OK but its not Ok with me. I can't control myself around him! Im so eager to be his girl but Im not ready for a relationship just yet. Plus, Im not prepared. It's overwhelming sometimes, the emotions I get over Him. I have to stop now before I mess up a great friendship. But how?
I asked my cousin, "Could I just be vulnerable b/c Im going thru this breakup and I miss my Son?" She tells me no but I still ponder the question. Then again, hey, at least I still got it! I try to look at it as practice! But I've come up with the notion that I can get over Sidekick in 45 days! I think I can. I pretty much stick to my decisions mental and physical and I think I can do it. If I can tell the "once love of my life" that I couldn't love him anymore and literally stopped loving him within a month's time, I should be able to loosen up on Sidekick! (I still feel bad about telling my "once love" that He needed to forget about me on his birthday..oh well) Figured a good day to start my Sidekick detox is Saturday..... since King Andromeda is coming. I'll let you know how that goes!