The Morning After I Started A Blog

Did I warn you that I have no clue about this?

Good Morning! It feels like a good morning anyway. I was lying in bed thinking, "What do I write now?" Hmmmm... gotta catch you up. *Brown&black hair combed back somewhat neatly, blue Tshirt, Hello Kitty pants, no socks, sitting on the edge of my bed with laptop* Its month 5. (Omg, its really been 5 months) The first 2 were Hell, the 2 first weeks, though, not so much. It snowed like crazy here the first 2 months. I was confined to these walls and forced to deal with my feelings of my break up and the absence of my Son. Horrible. Those 2 weeks or should I say first month, I distracted myself with outings, alcohol and retarded fun. But I enjoyed it. Then the snow hit. I was going crazy. Here I am in this town I hate, bored and no one really understood why I was here. The Ex was getting on my last nerve and I was letting him get to me. Found myself slandering him on public platforms just to be an asshole. (He's done it to me as well and doesn't think I know>hypocrite) But he deserved it (even though he didn't think so). He thinks he's perfect btw. I cried and cried and cried, confined to my room, barely eating much of anything, missing my Prince. *sighhhhhh* Wtf am I talking about? Why am I doing this again? Oh, yea. ................ Venting. Im really over all of this (I think) but I don't want someone to read my random thoughts and think Im crazy! But then again, you might anyway.

He has a new girlfriend now. They've been together 4 months. Ive been gone 5.......... yea, that's what I said. Stupid girls. That never really phased me. Only for a minute b/c he met her thru me. She should be thanking me though, I turned down his crying for me to come back to him. If it wasn't for that, she'd be assed out. He's HELLA needy though so it didn't surprise me. He's using her to get over me and she's using him (not for his looks). I wish them luck. I should've never been with him in the first place. He ABSOLUTELY didn't deserve me and DAMN sure didn't deserve the honor of being the father of my first born! Young and dumb.

So anyway (cuz Im starting to look at my reflection in the mirror like, "Who the hell are you talking to and why are you writing this shit that means nothing to you anymore?"). Can I wrap this up? Never thought Id have to deal with "Baby daddy drama" (lol) but thats what it is. He's sneaky and did I mention I hate him? I stopped ignoring thoughts of my Son now b/c it doesn't seem to work anymore. I was trained to miss the ones I love. I deal. Im becoming numb though. I don't let the bs his Father is known for feeding me, get to me anymore (usually). For the most part I ignore him. He's so full of shit. One day he's gonna need me and I can't say Im going to be there for him (Since he thinks he "doesn't owe me anything for my 4yrs of staying at home to raise our child while he went off to pursue his dreams) but oh well. That's fuck faced Men for you. Not all men, just the fuck faced ones! lol I've learned alot from being with him. Im learning alot as the time goes by due to phase 2 of our "relationship". The one thing that I don't like (aside from my feelings of loss of self worth), I have a hard time "feeling". I can get angry and upset or even furious and then Im over it within minutes. I guess I've cried so much that nothing bothers me anymore and Im somewhat disconnected with reality. It's not good for my music. I can't conjure feelings and lose myself in them like I used to. Im stiff. Not completely numb but we'll get to that later. *wink*

Im happier now. Still jobless. I haven't worked in 4 1/2 yrs. It makes me nervous now too. Ive gone from a size 11 to a size 2 in 5 months. My lifestyle is drastically different but Im Ok. I don't feel lonely anymore. Im still unfulfilled but that's gonna take some time. Im working my way from the ground up, alone, with a few friendly bees in my ear who help me build my confidence as best as they can. Im gonna be Ok. Im excited about my new found independence and scared shitless at the same time. >>>>>This is has taken me forever to finish.............. think I've said enough anyway.... Im out!